I'm a quitter!

I got my own apartment! Someday finally came!! I'm single, I'm lonely, and what do you do when you get lonely? You drink your days away! (Of course I make it to work no matter how hung over I am! I'm not a total alchy. Although then I would be saying that I wasn't a totaly junkie because I made it to work. Had to support those habbits somehow!) I'm back to quitting. I love to start things and quit. It's what I do. Painting, photography, sewing, scrapbooking, dope. (Okay so painting, sewing, photography, and scrapbooking are just on hold.) Drinking is gonna be a tough one. I live in a DRINKING TOWN with a fishing problem. Oh and another great thing about living in a small town, the rumors! True or not, they are there drilling a big hole into my life. I don't wanna know if they are true or not though. Please just let me think these are all false. I like being in the dark. It makes me feel good. I would so much rather live in my perfect bubble of happiness. I wanna believe that someday there will be world peace. I wanna believe that everyone is doing their part and not littering and using all the green peace crap. Like cloth bags. SAY NO TO PLASTIC. I haven't quit plastic yet. I have bottled water in my fridge right now as we speak. I know, I'm so bad! I have to quit one thing at a time though. Calm down greenies! I'm working on it! (Besides it's just a fad to clean up the earth right? Soon wearing beer can hats will be back in style.) Moral of the story, I'm a quitter. In a good sense. I think. We'll see what happens.

17 DAYS DOWN, THE REST OF MY LIFE TO GO!

Changes are happening everyday. I want my own apartment one day, the next I'm happy where I'm at. I want to be a nurse one day, the next I wanna be a housewife and have million of kids. I change my mind more in one week than Michael Jackson changed his appearance in a lifetime. (Short as it may have been.) So how do we know that the decisions we make are right? How do we know that the decision we make today won't affect tomorrow for the worst? MARRIAGE? KIDS? LIFE? WTF. Why can't God just come down to earth and tell me what I'm supposed to do. I hate guessing...worse than guessing? Second guessing! I have been clean for 17 f-ing days! Woot woot! 17 of the worst and best days of my life. Hard but refreshing. I'm feeling more and more like myself everyday! Thinking rationally isn't the easiest. Which is why I have to ask...How do we know what we're supposed to do? How do we know where we're supposed to go. Most people take life for what it is and just go with the flow. I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to settle. I don't know if I can just sit back and just let life happen. I want to be more in control. I want to travel. I want to have a career. I want to love life. I want a family. Most importantly I want to live a happy healthy life. As generic as it may sound. All I want is to be happy. All I know is that I'm 17 days clean and I have the rest of my life to go for however long I'm blessed with. Only the future knows what I'll do with this life. I hope I make the best of it!

And I realize...

Everyone has those days when all you want to do is grab that glock 40 your boyfriend left in the next room. (Okay, so maybe not everyone.) You convince yourself that you only want to look at it. You sit there and think. What else is there to do. You think about the times when you were little and your big brother was your protector. You think about the time when you were daddy's little girl and nothing else mattered. You think about all the mother daughter talks you've had with the only woman who will never let you down no matter what. She's always wanted best for her children, always.
You wonder where those days have gone. You wonder where the time has gone. You wonder when the next time you will finally be embraced by your daddy. You wonder when you will get a big bear hug from the older brother who knows you better than you know yourself. You wonder when will those mother daughter talks finally settle in. You wonder...
And then you realize...you lead a good life. If the past holds such great memories, then they need to be remembered, but you can't live through memories. There comes a time when you realize that it is time to take the advise you were given. It is time to take steps forward into the future. It is time to...grow up. It is time to let go of the past and embrace your future. You decide your future. It is all on you. The pressure's of growing up into a wonderful human being aren't light, but they are there. The pressure to be all that you can be. The pressure to make 'them' proud. I realize that I can't imagine life without the family I'm surrounded by. Small and few, they are my family. I will not let the pressures of life take me down, but lift me up. If I can retain such wonderful memories, I can make more.
I realize that someday I will be that mother. I want to be the mother that mine was to me. A mother who will do anything for her children. A mother who wants nothing more than to see her children happy.
I realize I want to be the sister that my brother deserves. Always supporting him and always on his side. He's too amazing to not have the best of the best. Life is the most precious gift. Life was given to each and everyone of us. My brother is risking his life. As I sit here and type on my laptop, he is in the heat of heat fighting for your and my freedom. All I can say is that we are all in good hands. He will come home.
I realize that I need let my daddy go. Around 4 years ago I was telling him the same thing. Of course different scenario. I was telling him to let me go to school off the island. It was so hard for him to let me go off to school. It was so hard for him to not just hold me down and not let me go. I went to school and had one of the best experiences of my life. You always think what if I would have stayed. I could have spent that time with my daddy. I could have noticed him acting different and caught the cancer with better timing. I could have... I should have... I would have... If I only knew. But then...I realized that I need to let go. I need to let him be at peace. I love you daddy! Happy birthday! I miss you and I'll never ever forget the times we've shared. I'll never forget that week at the beach. I'll never forget all the times you took me to work. I'll never forget...as long as you don't forget that I miss you! I miss you so much.
And I realized that I lead a great life.